April is finally coming to a close. We held her memorial at church this past Sunday, the 27, today is the 28 and only 2 days left of this cruel month. So fitting that the calendar’s featured picture is daffodils, one of the last flowers she picked for me.
This month is always a marathon; I have to prepare and pace myself. This time, this third year, I went at April like the running of the bulls. I loaded my schedule, work and personal, made and crossed off the to-do lists, all in an effort to keep myself so busy that I hadn’t had time to think and so busy that I hadn’t had time to reminisce and cry too much before falling asleep. I hoped that the pure mental and physical exhaustion would be so much that I would simply go unconscious soon after going horizontal. April didn’t always submit though and there were several nights spent crying myself to sleep or waking up in the dark hours and crying, or puzzling, or shaking.
I burned myself out. Not as quickly as I would expect myself to burn out, but after working 46 hours one week, doing farm things on top of it and trying to keep up with my workouts, the next week logging another 36 hours, the bull in me stopped running. I was out of breath after one task, sore anytime i had to squat or bend and then stand up. My brain was wrapped in grief and I was forgetting so much, so unfocused.
I succumbed to the pain of April, went home sick a couple hours early two days in a row and slept. I slept away the exhaustion, the pain, the sorrow, the reality of April.
Two days left and I can feel the lightness of May coming up.
-B
Trauma Mamas 
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